Our November Ho‘ohana; When Parenting Works

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[Starbucker]

Rosa, your post has made me look at my tribute to Brother George in yet another way - from the perspective of how this teacher did, in some way, function as a "parent". Since I chose to go to college 1,200 miles away from home, in a lot of respects Brother George was a surrogate parent for me. The fortunate thing was that my father was just as strong of an influence, so Brother George didn't have to be a replacement parent. I look forward to the other postings you will inspire this month Rosa, and Mahalo to you for the mention of my post.

[Rosa]

Aloha Terry, there have been so many times during my children’s lives that I’ve been reminded of the adage, “it takes a village to raise a child.” I am very grateful for the adults who have been there for my son and daughter when they were needed for guidance, and for a firmer hand than I could give.

I’ve learned to be okay with those times I was nearby too, and just not chosen to guide them because there was another mentor they preferred at the time. Their choices have been good ones, and I feel good that we did teach them to be wise in that regard, trusting carefully, and listening well, but then making their own decisions. Those “others” in their lives have not been surrogates; they’ve been partners worthy of my respect and profound appreciation.

I hope we can get you to share more of your stories this month Terry! You are very good at bringing the best out of the rest of us!

[toni]

Parenting is difficult, especially when it comes to "tough love". I think back to my own mother and her many lessons of tough love and I can only say that I am a lucky kid because my mother is the greatest mom I know.

When it came to discipline, she never hit me or even spanked me. Instead, she was very judicious with her love and tone of her voice. She also would seize the opportunity to teach and coach when I did something wrong. No matter what the misdemeanor was, in the end, my mom and I would always have the same conversation. It usually went like this....

Mom (in a calm and even tone): "What did you do wrong?"

Me (in a nervous tone having to look at the mother in the eye): "I took a cookie without asking."

Mom (same calm tone): "What were you suppose to do?"

Me (a bit more nervous): "Ask first and if you say no then don't do it."

Mom (same tone): "Why are you suppose to ask first?"

Me (really getting antsy and nervous): "Because if I eat the cookie then I will ruin my dinner and it was disrespectful."

Mom (same tone still!): "So then why did you do it?"

Me: "I don't (start crying here) knoooowwwww."

Mom (same tone): " Ok, go up to your room and think about what you did. Next time you do this I will have to punish you. I love you. Now go."

In the end, I never did the same thing twice. Really! I did alot of things for the first time, but never twice. Why? Because I knew what I should do, why I should do it and I never wanted to see what "Punish you" looked like.

Thank you Mom for treating as a thinking, rational human. Thank you mom for never dehumanizing me. Thank you mom for believing I could make better choices and I could be the best person I could be. I hope I never prove you wrong.

[Rosa]

Thank you for sharing this tribute to your mom Toni; for me this may be the most telling part of the gifts your mom gave you; “I did alot of things for the first time” for she raised you to understand that the consequence you could count on most from her was learning.

[John Keoni Monte]

ALOHA to ALL - the 11th month...has at it's ho'ohana core: appreciation - gratitude - living in thankfulness - Mahalo - a time of year that, this time, is all wrapped around Parenting.

After reading, I reclined into quiet and waited...then, a sudden urge showed up - so I followed...and it lead me to picking up the phone and calling Rosa on Big Island! Wasn't sure why...but at the same time, did know that if she answered the call...I would find out 'the why' part. (Hawaiian kine thing).

And so...the conversation to be - became about the shake, rattle and roll of a couple of Sundays ago. That little voice inside told me: keep quiet, listen...so I did.

I am a Native Hawaiian - Born in East L.A.; being raised Hawaiian partially meant a different set of processes than what was being utilized here. One is the ability to listen, absorb, then forget about it for right now! Then lift up, go do something else. You see...it is a 'time thing' and my Ancestors were very unjustly labeled as existing in 'Hawaiian Time' aka 'always late'. I would like to state right here, right now: It is not that Hawaiians were intentionally or accidentally always running behind and ending up late...in fact, Hawaiians arrive at the exact and proper time! And we always know when that time is! I cannot teach you this, but I can show you...and then it is up to each person to discover the intuition on this and the how and why as it applies only to themselves.

So, it was my 'time' to call Rosa. She brought it on and fully, in detail, described what she went through; what her home went through, and the products that live there, got to play a part as well. She included what the aina (land) experienced...and correctly, identified actual damage items and what the implications from those are and how all of that feels. Rosa carefully described the magnitude of both of the shakers...and matched up all possible after effects. Like a 'responsibility for your actions' list, if you will. I brought up the report that the epicenter of the jolt, originated, they think about 20 MILES DEEP! They being 'seismologists', who are baffled never being able to go that deep to know how deep. This meant to me - and confirmed for me - that the 'originator' of the quake was not your normal or regular earthen plate simply shifting to work the kinks out...No, this has much more juice on it than 'simple'.

What is showing up for me is the notion that a 'connection' of some kind - one that is intertwined with everything we are, including November. Keep in mind, there is 'A LADY' who on a regular basis crawls around the bottom of Kilauea??? But that's another story, sort of...Well,in the few minutes of time we shared - Rosa shared a full spectrum thesis...and again, it was time to wait.

We human beings have a wonderful tool in our kit called 'imagination' that allows us to expand on just about anything...so, I decided to take the 'full spectrum' language and slim and trim sentences down to a one word association...and then I could write each word on the wall - then step back, take a look, and have it all morph into a 'theme'. Hang in there, I know I am taking the long road to bring us to the short cut...but I told you, being raised Hawaiian is a different set of processes!

Upon arising this morning the word game began...let's see, here is the spoken (actually written)words: Eleventh month, Mahalo, grand, generous, abundance, grace, grateful,my work's intention - my life's intention, rambunctious, defyingly defiant, she, value, celebrate, belongs to it- and it belongs to, humble and wisdom, arms open wide, elements, makes our lives so precious, awe and wonder, joy and pleasure, soften, richness, fullness, come together, need - all help us 'Manage...'

Allow me to add: my written - but prior to today, unspoken elements from my 'talk story' with Rosa 48 hours ago: different process, ability, listen, absorb, lift up, timing, unjust label, arrive, exact, proper, teach you - show you - discover, applies, brought it on, fully, home, play, damage, responsibility, actions, report, jolt, baffled, shifting, work the kinks out, simple, showing up, connection, tool, imagination.

Then it hit me...hit me just how 'right on' Rosa consistently is each month...November no exception. Everything spoken, written and heard points to, or could point to - PARENTING...and When It Works.

Within the matrix of the theme Rosa chose is the earthquake of two Sundays ago. The land (aina) of Hawaii is alive - just like you and me. We had parents, some of us are parents - and in today's world of events, we often find ourselves stomping our feet and managing that which belongs to us and what we are responsible for - that's PARENTING.

Whatever or whoever is 20 miles deep off Big Island...might of been the aina's (land's) PARENT - who had much to Say that Sunday morning! And 'She' stomped her feet, she scolded, and she warned; while providing a little reminder (demonstration) of what could happen 'if'... You could surmise and Say, she was 'Managing (her child) With Aloha'. And what perfect timing - heading into November.

Ah hah...this is where the 'Mahalo' fits 100%, as it should. Today we live in warp 10,000 - we get so busy and caught up, we miss things. Easy to do, but a dangerous habit. And Parenting is in need of Parenting today! A call to action, a renewal of get real. A JOLT, to get our children's attention?

I worked in mainstream media for 15+ years...and as the horror stories poured in daily - we would read them, and be absolutely stunned! The very first question in our newsroom minds was: "Where are the Parents???" This shouldn't be happening.

Rosa is right! We should include 'Mahalo'. We should be both lists above - with a very deep quiet humbleness, gratefulness, and understanding not to let things or children go too far...It's all PARENTING.

The aina (land) needs support and foundation...so the land depends on Mother Nature...We Parents depend on the land, to provide us a space to grow food so we survive, our Children depend on their Parents for almost everything...it and we, are all 'Connected'...so we better take time this Thanksgiving season - to reconnect, to fix broken links, mend broken fences and fields. Lets remind ourselves to take action sooner on vital issues and perform regular maintenance on Parenting that works..so it keeps working...so we do not have to get another demonstration from one of our very ancient, blessed, loving, caring Sunday morning Parents - who wishes us only Aloha...which we need to Manage.

Mahalo Rosa...for who you are and to that part of you that knows. "I ulu no ka lala i ke Kumu" = The branches grow because of the Trunk!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL! BIG HUGS!
John Keoni 'War and Peace' Monte

[Rosa]

I am in awe John, mahalo for writing your mana‘o here in generosity for our community. I have read your message a few times now, then sitting back, and taking it in, I am again humbled by what simple connections made can do when we follow our instincts. I will continue to read this often, and drink in the spirit of your aloha shared.

Ua ola loko I ke aloha.
(Aloha provides life from within)

[David Zinger]

Rosa,

I appreciate the foucs on parenting.

I am currently parenting 3 teenagers, a son age 17 and twins (a boy and girl) age 15.

I am so indebted to my parents, Gen and Jack, for their love and the gifts they gave me.

My mother gave me the gift of empathy by always being willing to sit down and understand me even when I had an imaginary playmate (half bear/half person) at 4 years of age named Jampy. She would even set a place at the table when I thought he might come over for supper.

My father gave me the gift of thinking. He always made us find support for our ideas and taught us how important it was to read.

Dad taught me how to live a line I often site which I think was by Jacob Needham: It is good to have an open mind but not so open that your brains full out.

Even though mom and dad are no longer alive they will live on forever in my heart and mind. They gave me the proverbial roots and wings to be grounded while also flying into my own role as a parent of 3 fantastic teenagers.

David

[Rosa]

Wonderful David! Thank you so much for sharing this tribute to your parents with us! When we consider those parenting distinctions which have long stayed with us, despite how they were so seemingly small at the time, we understand more vividly how our everyday words and gestures affect those we now take our turn at parenting.

[Pearl]

Mahalo is key to good living. :)

Do you know about http://www.anecdote.com.au/ Their mandate and yours would seem to work well together.

[Rosa]

Pearl it is so wonderful to hear from you again! And thank you for the recommendation; I clicked into the site and got completely enamored with it. A half hour flew by as I started to read what's there, and I subscribed so I can go back for more - you are quite the perceptive matchmaker!