September 2004: On Relationships

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September 2004: On Relationships

Over the past month I've thought a lot about the things we do to work on our relationships. I've thought about networking, and creating new partnerships without losing sight of old ones. The catalyst for these thoughts is simply that I've been traveling, and meeting quite a few new people lately, and my life is definitely getting to be better (and pretty interesting) because of it. The funny thing is that as enticing and exciting as they are, these new connections make me wonder if I should be updating my connections in old relationships too, so I don't lose sight of the good I already had, and so I don't make the horrible mistake of taking somebody for granted. I keep thinking: who should I be checking in with?

The reality of this challenge I'm presenting to myself, is that I know a lot of people after living so many years on this earth. Once I get outside the warm circle of my own family, and the comfortable circle of my everyday business associates, where should I be turning next? As you can imagine, the thought could make me downright neurotic. So this is what I've decided: I just need to be reaching out as much as I can, and with intention when an opportunity presents itself. I need to respond really well (i.e. listen well, with all my attention) when someone talks back.

Now as I've thought about these things, you'd probably guess that I'd slow down in my accumulation of new acquaintences. Not so! I've actually gotten better at it! I find myself talking to the guy sitting next to me on my inter-island flights, or in the line at Starbucks, when before I may have only communicated with the in-flight magazine or pretended to seriously study the menu I already know by heart. I smile back when I make eye contact with someone instead of looking away quickly "before they catch me." Call it karma or whatever you like, but lately it seems I've only been talking to really nice people. I'm careful to make time for them, letting the "stuff" wait. A friend called me to join her for lunch on a Monday back at my desk after a full week away (how dare she!) and I gladly dropped everything to meet her-best decision of the day.

We all deal with a lot of stuff in our lives in business, wanting to be fast and wanting to be expedient, hoping to cut to the chase and thereby be more effective. The people we deal with everyday can sometimes only be our means to an end. Sometimes I have to wonder, at what human cost? Maybe we need to slow down a bit. We often need reminders that will bring us back to the basics of being decent, kind, considerate, and ethical human beings as we work hard-at whatever. And we can't pick and choose: we need to share our good intent in every interaction we have. Being considerate to others has some pretty great rewards. Time after time this has been my experience: the personal and professional relationships I've been careful to cultivate over the years have remained strong and meaningful, rewarding me with substantial dividends. In today's business world, I am convinced that investing in your relationships translate to very tangible assets-and your emotional good health. So take a chance: get to know each other better. It's a great thing to do.

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Talking Story ... on Management

"Reinvention. What a quintessential American idea! It's the frontier spirit. It's Ben Franklin, it's Ralph Waldo Emerson, and by God, it's Tony Robbins and Stephen Covey too. They all understand the American impetus and genius for wholesale self-invention."

Now it's your turn. If you missed it, this is the way that Tom Peters starts an article he wrote for the June issue of Fast Company magazine. You can still catch it online here. While you're at it, you may also want to check into Peters' weblog, for he's enjoying his own reinvention of sorts, or he's at least found a source of new energy. The FC article is called "Brand You Survival Kit" and it talks about what you must do to survive today, to reinvent yourself, when "our white-collar jobs are being offshored, and the possibility of lifetime employment is evaporating before our eyes." It's about taking those same skills you apply to managing others and using them on yourself, creating Brand You, and working on Me Inc.

Here's my take on it: if you are a manager, Peters is right-you can't afford not to. You have to add value and your own personal signature to whatever you do. Second, the very process of doing so will make you better at being a manager, because you'll practice what you preach (or should be preaching, teaching, coaching, and living) and inspire those you manage. If you want to talk story about this more, email me.

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Talking Story ... on Leadership

"I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.
I am an American soldier."
- Lt. Colonel Jeffrey J. Protacio, Hawaii Army National Guard 29th Brigade

Jeff is my brother, and in this past month we got the same news received by nearly 2,000 other family members of those in his brigade: a notice of active duty. Translation: a few months training followed by deployment to Iraq. They'll be gone for about 18 months, and we pray that at the end of their tour of duty all will come home.

As you can imagine, I've experienced a bombardment of differing thoughts and perspectives since getting this news that my "baby brother" is going because "of what I've trained for my entire life... I am an American soldier." Some say those in our military are brainwashed. I say thank God for the power of their belief and commitment; they fight for the freedoms so many of us take for granted.

One of my thoughts was a memory, of how the organization I was working for reacted when a few of our reservists were activated following the attacks of September 11, 2001. With unemployment virtually at zero here locally, their job vacancies hurt us, and while we tried to understand, we focused on training replacements. Looking back, I think we missed an opportunity to display a different type of leadership, one that spoke of patriotism, and of unconditional support and understanding, one of thankfulness. I believe we missed our chance to define in patriotic terms the responsibility we have in the business community to lead with the integrity and pride of being Americans each and every day. I encourage you to make this a theme, a commitment, as you talk about leadership, "to go before, or with, to show the way," in your own company.

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September selections on our bookshelf

Just one book this month, because it's important: It's paperback, 193 pages that read easily and quickly, but there's much to commit to. Study it, use it, live it:
Soar with your Strengths, by Donald O. Clifton and Paula Nelson, 1996, Dell Publishing New York.

I'm re-reading this one because with all my musings on how we connect with people I'd remembered that there was a really good section in it on relationships. It's within their Chapter 6: "Strengths develop only in relation to another human being." The authors explain why "the fabric of our lives is constructed person by person. As our relationships increase, we benefit geometrically: Our lives become richer, and we expand our strengths through others." When you read on, the book offers these Nine Principles for Managing Relationships:

1. Think of others in terms of their strengths
2. Quality relationships develop one on one
3. "Doing for" never makes up for "Doing with"
4. The more people know about each other, the more likely they are to like each other
5. There is no trust without risk
6. Relationships are built one commitment at a time
7. Being liked is important
8. Relationships don't just happen; be an activator
9. Use relationship strengths, manage your weaknesses

And this is just in one chapter! The whole book is a goldmine. You'll see.

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Learning Links we've recently found on the web

Got this recommendation from a reader of Scott Hodge's weebleland blog. It's an essay called "How to manage smart people" by Scott Berkun, an ex-Microsoft guy who now works "writing, teaching, and consulting." It's a great article-I love the section called "Management defined," and those of you who've heard me talk about the "intent of good management" can easily imagine my cheering when I read this: "Everyone is talented. Certainly not everyone is as talented as everyone else, but every individual has certain things they are good at, and certain things they suck at. Assuming you are a manager, your first task is to figure out what talents each of the people working for you have." Bravo.

Lot's of good stuff in this essay, mahalo plenty for sharing it.

Must be more than coincidence: Two of you recommended I read Double Lives, a book by David Heenan, and then I found an article about him in my mailbox: he was also profiled in Island Scene, the magazine published for HMSA members. As the magazine says, "Heenan is a well-known name in Hawaii's business circles. He's a trustee of the Estate of James Campbell, one of the nation's largest landowners; former vice president for academic affairs at the University of Hawaii; former chairman, president and chief executive officer for Theo. H. Davies & Co.; and author of several books. He's certainly in a position to talk about double lives." Sounds like someone I'd love to meet and talk story with. His quotes in the Island Scene article are destined to be included in the training and coaching I do on 'Ike loa, the Hawaiian value of seeking knowledge and wisdom.

Thanks for the recommendation, I've ordered the book from Amazon.com and it's on its way.

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Learning Community

In Learning Community, you can be coach! This is the place to share great things you discover on the web about management and leadership with the entire Ho'ohana network. Send us an email with the link you've found, and tell us why you're recommending it. Hoohana@SayLeadershipCoaching.com

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