Managing with Aloha Coaching

Hau‘oli la hanau. Mele Ma‘alahi.

Happy Birthday today, to me! What a charmed life I have, able to give myself the best gift – a day off, completely unscheduled… this has got to be one of the best perks of being self-employed (and not starving)!

Birthdays are meant for counting our blessings (of which I have a ton), rejoicing with prayers of gratitude, and saying mahalo e ha‘aha‘a (thank you within humility) to as many people as we can, for no life lived got that way as a solitary affair. Somebody helped. Lots of bodies helped! So I have a glorious day ahead, where I am free to talk story with the people who mean so much to me, saying thank you for all they so wondrously add to this life I celebrate today.

I like the way that writer Kristin Hunter phrases it:

“First it is necessary to stand on your own two feet. But the minute a man finds himself in that position, the next thing he should do is reach out his arms.”

White magnolia by tanakawho.

If you have a moment to share a comment with me today, leave a quote with us that you will keep close to you when your birthday comes, and tell us when that glorious day will be! All spirit spilling is welcomed here, for it is part of you, and thus part of aloha.

Mahalo for sharing my day with me!
Rosa

Postscript:
This was the gift I gave myself last year...Tim Milburn was the somebody that helped!

To Do, and To Stop, with ‘Imi ola

 

Ho‘ohanohano: Learn to Bask in the Compliments You Get

This is some of the best advice I ever received:

Be humble but appreciative and thoughtful when you get compliments. Then write them down as soon as you can; keep track of them for the clues you may need to read and reflect on later. There may be no greater gift we receive than a compliment telling us exactly who we are, and don’t yet see for ourselves.

I got this advice from a mentor I admired greatly; he was gently correcting me when he overheard me respond “Thank you very much, that is so kind of you, however I …” to a compliment someone else had just given me. I don’t remember the exact tail end of my sentence, but the point was that I was being dismissive in my response in the misunderstood name of humility, and not ‘humbly appreciative’ which would’ve been far, far better.

He taught me to say “Thank you so much!” and smile broadly whenever I received a compliment in the future, explaining that not only was it good for me, it was a far more respectful response to my compliment’s giver, for anytime I said “however…” or “yes, but…” was actually a thinly disguised way of telling my giver “You are wrong, and don’t really know what you are talking about.”

I have since retained this as one of my Ho‘ohanohano lessons connected to respect, but also to cultivating my own dignity, and I offer it to you now within our month’s lesson.

When someone gives you a compliment, say thank you sincerely, and chalk it up to memory to write down later, soon as you can. Think about it; don’t dismiss it by saying something that implies you don’t deserve the compliment, whether to them directly or as self-depreciating self-talk. Accept what that very generous person said to you as a clue that may reveal more about you than you may realize.

Ask yourself a few questions:

• Do I want this to happen again?
• Was this the pleasing result of one of my innate talents and strengths?
• Is this a clue to the service I am able to give to others, perhaps within the work I am destined to do?

Understand this: Your compliment giver appreciated your actions enough to tell you. Something profoundly good just happened.

The day will come when you intensely want to answer this question: What am I really good at and passionate about? Will you have kept a data bank of compliments which serve you as objective outside views which help you see your array of possible answers?

For example, fashion photographer Joshua Jordan grew up in New Orleans admiring magazine pictures of gorgeous clothes, but he didn’t think about channeling that passion into a career until a friend made a suggestion: “He said, ‘You dress really well. You should move to New York.’” After a brief stint as a stylist’s assistant, Jordan discovered that his real talent was behind the lens; he became a full-time photographer in 1992. [I learned of Jordan’s story reading about his bio connected to a 2007 fashion shoot he did of Lucy Liu for O Magazine.]

So much of coaching people is getting them to reveal their talents and strengths and then stay in the flow of them. This takes more time when that person is accustomed to belittling the things that they do, unaware of their importance to them. Being humble need not, and should not, translate to self-depreciation.

It may seem like a little thing, however learning to bask in the compliments you receive is wonderful clue collection to your predilections of all that is good and right with you (think about Pono, and the Why of Right), and it is Ho‘ohanohano in practice.

Hmm… something more to think about: In connection to our discussion on the community ecosystem earlier this week, is learning to GIVE Ho‘ohanohano-clue compliments to others in your community ecosystem part of the contribution that you can make? I would think so! Another possible archive connection might be to tooting sweetly at Joyful Jubilant Learning. Remember Aaron? ...I already knew that Aaron has a healthy, very admirable list of talents. For instance, he is an exceptional writer and a very charismatic speaker. He has a gift for creating very visual pictures for me with his words whether written or spoken... read his story at JJL.

We Ho‘ohana together,
~ Rosa

Value your month, Value your Life with Ho‘ohanohano, the universal value of dignity and respect. Your complimentary subscription to MWAC and our monthly study will help you discover your own core values, and cultivate the better habits which keep your actions true to them.

---

From the Archives:

• When was the last time you said “thank you” and really meant it?

• Toot Sweetly: Create Your Distinction (at Joyful Jubilant Learning)

• Managers, where are you? Would you write for us? (at Talking Story with Say Leadership Coaching)

Gratitude and a Technique for the Gift of Recognition

On our List of Twelve Aloha Virtues:

Gratitude.   There may be no mightier force in our lives than learning to live in thankfulness for all we are and all we have been given. An attitude of gratitude is an attitude of aloha; The breath of life within you is meant to be shared in appreciation, thankfulness, and gratitude.

This past November we had a whole month of writing on Mahalo, the Hawaiian value of appreciation, gratitude, and thankfulness, so even I didn’t expect I’d write on it so soon again! But then we’re all about finding great tools for your management skill-set, and I just read about something gratitude-great in Marshall Goldsmith’s book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There. He writes, “One of my clients taught me a wonderful technique for improvement in the area of providing recognition.”

Marshall is a big fan of simply saying “Thank you” as an answer to a plethora of different conversational situations, without tarnishing your answer with additional qualifiers or explanations which can dull the nonjudgmental beauty of just saying “Thank you” and leaving it at that.

In this particular section of his book (page 72 if you have a copy) he connects gratitude with recognition for me, and I underlined this insight, “In depriving people of recognition [of their success], you are depriving them of closure.” Such a good point. His metaphor: “Recognition is all about closure. It’s the beautiful ribbon wrapped around the jewel box that contains the precious gift of success you and your team have created. When you fail to provide that recognition, you are cheapening the gift. You have the success but none of the afterglow.”

This is the technique he learned from one of his clients, determined to give more recognition to those who deserved to hear it from him:

1. He first made a list of all the important groups of people in his life (friends, family, direct reports, customers, etc.)

2. He then wrote down the names of every important person in each group.

3. Twice a week, on Wednesday morning and Friday afternoon, he would review the list of names and ask himself, “Did someone on this page do something that I should recognize?”

4. If the answer was “yes” he gave them some very quick recognition, either by phone, email, voicemail or a note. If the answer was “no” he did nothing. He didn’t want to be a phony.

“Within one year this executive’s reputation for providing positive recognition improved from poor to excellent. He was amazed at how little time this took.”

Think about this simple technique for giving your gratitude to others within that definition I’d pulled for virtue from Wikipedia:

“Virtue is the habitual, well-established, readiness or disposition of man’s powers directing them to some goodness of act. Virtue is the moral excellence of a man or a woman … as applied to humans, a virtue is a good character trait.”

If you are a manager, this technique can be a habit worth keeping, don’t you think? Good for parents too. Good for people, period. Giving recognition is good for all of us.

Postscript: This is a follow-up to The MWA Action Sequence: Reading, Talking, Doing.

From the Managing with Aloha Coaching Archives:

• When was the last time you said “thank you” and really meant it?

• Are you a Conversation Killer without realizing you are? Three Tips to help.

---

First time here? Welcome!
This month: A new December Tradition: Twelve Aloha Virtues.

Subscribe and have Managing with Aloha Coaching delivered to you :) Choose from RSS or email options.

Mahalo in a 5-Beat Rhythm

How will you continue to make Mahalo’s 3-Way Promise of Appreciation, Gratitude, and Thankfulness your habit?

• Knowing Mahalo through Appreciation
• Becoming Mahalo through Gratitude
• Sharing Mahalo through Thankfulness

How did Mahalo translate into concrete action for you, and what is your plan for sustaining those actions?

Reading alone, without learning through action, is like tasting a meal but stopping short of eating it... or like trying to catch snowflakes with your mouth closed... we have snow on Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa this morning, with a clear sky to enjoy the view :)

 

Mahalo in a 5-Beat Rhythm

If you have not yet done so, it is time to debrief your month, for December is just a day away! You have a nice bonus of the weekend for self-reflection too, for I will post my December on Monday, the 3rd. New month, new possibilities (we’ll visit my Aloha Virtues next), with a fresh start at Beat 1.

 

You had several action-packed tools to choose from this month:

1. You could Give yourself a Daily 5 Minutes at the end of each day during November, beginning the practice of keeping a Gratitude Journal. Tim Milburn added a great template for us to use, and a few days ago we talked about how we could get our practice to stick.
2. You could write out your 5 distinctions of becoming, further exploring palena ‘ole, your four-fold capacity begging more abundance-creating fillers.
3. Appreciation, gratitude, and thankfulness, was just the start of our vocabulary-stretching this month. You were invited to think about thinking: “If you were to tell me of just one thing you think, another you believe, and another you know, what would those things be? How would they sort out for you?”
4. I am hoping you found this simple action step to be rewarding: Give a gift: Who should you be saying thank you to today? You may recall the article was called, When was the last time you said “thank you” and really meant it?
5. If you celebrated Stephen’s Day with me, you now can Live Mahalo with your Dailies. You may have noticed that number 1. on this list also made it to my list of dailies, for I have become a fervent believer in those nightly five minutes.

And then of course, there’s my book Managing with Aloha, our companion text for the site, for I did not repeat what is already there for you:

• Creating the habit of appreciation with WorkPlace Mahalo, as explained in the story of the Alaka‘i Nalu, starting on page 194. - This one fortifies your team.
• Taking stock of the good fortune of all managers, with the Good Fortune Exercise which starts on page 198. - This one truly opens view planes of greater possibility.
• Learning to use the Mahalo Log in conjunction with the Daily 5 Minutes, explained through the story of Bruce and Jake which begins on page 201. - This one helps you appreciate the value of each individual on your team.

As I have written at the end of the chapter on Mahalo: Continue to count your own blessings, and enjoy your own discoveries. Thankfulness is truly a mighty force, and sometimes, like Jake (and like Tim), we may find that it changes us, it helps us become better. When you teach the value of Mahalo to your employees, you help them enjoy the life they have. What a wonderful gift that is!

You can revisit The 5-Beat Rhythm here: Managing with Aloha Coaching in A 5-Beat Rhythm.

---

Postscript:

If you are just now joining us, the beauty of Mahalo is that you can start instantly with very little catching up! Start your reading + doing right here: Just take some of the links in this post. Then pick up a subscription to start a new month with us on Monday (You will find both RSS and email subscription options here).

If you do not yet have a copy of Managing with Aloha, you can BUY ONE HERE! We have just sent a few more cases to Amazon.com to stock them up for the holidays :)

Living Mahalo with my Dailies

Stephen’s Day

I have an annual ritual for November 28th. It is the birthday of someone now in heaven who was exceptionally special to me, and so in his honor I call this Stephen’s Day. When Stephen died, I decided that I needed to commemorate the day somehow, so I would keep remembering and working on some of the things he had taught me to be grateful for during all the time he blessed my days. Having his birthday fall at the end of November, a month I have always associated with the diligent, focused practice of Mahalo (appreciation, gratitude, and thankfulness) seemed to be an added affirmation.

That affirmation has now become gift. For remember, living within mahalo is living within thankfulness for each element which makes your life precious to you.

Kēia Manawa

Stephen was someone who could focus on the present moment clearly and with perceptive intensity, able to see the everything existing in the here and now. In Hawai‘i we call this kēia manawa, living in moments which seize the day with both hands, with heart, mind, gut and soul. Kēia la; today you own the day.

Stephen was someone who never looked behind him, easily letting things go and leaving the past behind. What was over was done. He was also someone who was never in a rush to have tomorrow come, fully knowing that a single day is never long enough for us mere humans to milk it fully of all its possibility. However have no hesitation or doubt: We were here to try. And try he did, Stephen lived his too-short life in a joyous way that made everyone else feel lucky to be on earth with him.

However Stephen was not obsessive about whatever he chose to do either; in fact, he had relaxing down to an art form. His was a life of contentment. When you live in Mahalo as Stephen did, you die with no regrets.

My Dailies

This is my annual ritual: On November 28 I rewrite my Dailies for the next year to come, starting from scratch and letting my self’s intention do any remembering. My Dailies fill a simple list on a single sheet of paper, and I print a dozen copies, putting them wherever I may need them to be readily accessible for me. The electronic copy goes on my calendar as a daily recurrence for 5am so I read it whenever I first switch online.

On my list of dailies is everything I would want to do each and every day if I could possibly fit them all in.

From year to year my list has gotten longer, though I do stick to my one-page-only rule, and frankly, I have never had a day where I did everything on it. If you add up all the minutes, it probably isn’t even possible.

But here’s the rub: Without my Dailies, I probably wouldn’t accomplish half the things I do each day; I would not manifest as many possibilities as I do, and I would miss opportunities I now see more clearly. Looking at the dailies I have just now written, I usually do achieve the first ten at minimum.

Mahalo for a brand new year to come

Here are the Stephen’s Day dailies I settled on today. Those of you who have read my writing regularly over the past year will recognize the influences :) I’ve added in some explanatory italics and links for you. Values are in bold, and you can find those links in the column to the right.

Gratitude Changes Everything

Tim Milburn is our November host for Rapid Fire Learning on Joyful Jubilant Learning, and guess what was first on his list? Gratitude.

“Gratitude changes everything.
I feel better about life when I'm thankful for it. Being grateful is a tremendous gift to both give and receive. People are appreciative when I recognize their contribution through my gratitude. I feel like giving even more when someone expresses their thanks to me. Gratitude is the best thing to combat a prideful attitude. A handwritten thank you note is a special gift.” ~ Tim Milburn

Tim is right: Gratitude, our Hawaiian value of Mahalo, CAN change everything, and it often does.

When you stop to think about it, gratitude never disappoints. Gratitude graces.

Thanksgiving Blessings and Aloha

I have always loved November, for it is a beautiful month of thoughtfulness and reflection.
Nānā i ke kumu; it is a month which seems to exist just so we can be reminded to look to our sources of well being, sources rooted in the basic simple goodness of aloha.
November encourages our intentional practice of appreciation, gratitude, and thankfulness so we can become content in the understanding of just how rich our lives are.
We could strip away half of what we may now carry through our days and not even reach the outer shell of who we are at our core. Our Aloha.
November is a gift to our humanity, for it keeps us more human and less contrived.

This is my mana‘o: I know these things to be true because of the evidence in my own life.
For as if Aloha weren’t enough, three years ago November became the month I would publish Managing with Aloha, and my blessings would multiply by magnificent number.
MWA would ‘talk’ in its own language of intention, and it would give me an astounding gift; I would live with Mahalo, the Hawaiian value of thankfulness, connected to my work, and to my life every single day.
MWA has done much for the success of my business, but leaps more with the people it has brought into my life.

Blessings counted in smiling, caring faces are the very best kind.

To everyone who reads these words, thank you for being part of our Ho‘ohana Community, and part of my life.
I write knowing you are there, and that we are in some way connected.

Be thankful knowing how your aloha spirit will thrive and grow.
I wish you the contentment of gratitude.
I wish you simplicity and serenity.
I wish you wonder and joy.

Me ke aloha e Thanksgiving maika‘i nui,
~ Rosa Say

---

My Sharing of Thankfulness: The How-To of Managing with Aloha Coaching.

• Knowing Mahalo through Appreciation
• Becoming Mahalo through Gratitude
• Sharing Mahalo through Thankfulness

Be Grateful for Mahalo Stickiness

It used to be that “sticky” meant I’d go hunting for a sponge so I could get rid of the culprit. Not anymore.

Stickiness has gotten to be something you yearn for, and we connect it to our learning, and to our ideas. My hope is that Managing with Aloha Coaching helps you with the stickiness of actions made habits.

This was the action we have focused on for November:

Try this Mahalo Action Step this month: Give yourself a Daily 5 Minutes at the end of each day during November. Just before bedtime and your sweet dreams to come, write down everything you feel grateful for in that moment, or as happened for you that day. You may fall into your own number of 3 things, or 5 things, maybe even 7 or more, but stick to the 5 minutes, and see what naturally emerges for you in the rhythm of your own attitude of gratitude. And then, as you turn off the lights, say thank you to that brain of yours.

When something sticks it stays with you; it’s made an impact that counts. “Stick” has become a solid word that we now associate with a type of success, one in which a connection is firmly made.

With MWAC I have tried to be more focused and deliberate with my coaching versus the all-around conversation that blogging led me into with Talking Story. I have wanted to share more ‘intentional MWA’ with you in the thankfulness that I have, for how learning MWA over the years has stuck with me in a warming blanket of good ways.

If the same thing is to happen for you however, just reading what I write here is not enough. You have to be watching for those action steps that I suggest you do, and then you have to do them; action seals the deal; it’s the glue that gets you the stickiness.

Honestly folks, this is the key reason I have a thriving business; people hire me so they have someone who will hold them accountable. In what we do here, Kuleana; you have to take personal responsibility for holding yourself accountable. It’s the only way that Managing with Aloha works.

Have you started your Gratitude Journal?

Thus far this month, we have largely concentrated on you. As reprinted in the mana‘o box above, Give yourself a Nighly 5 Minutes at the end of each day during November.

I have suggested that you journal certain things, and we got some help from Tim Milburn with a template you could use that would give you the additional action steps of

P – Priority; and ranking any ideas which emerged for you

S – Strength; and scoring your ideas as strength versus weakness

D – Decision; and determining what you will Do, Delegate, Delay or Delete

NA – Next Action; and date-committing to the specific steps that will make things happen for you

Mahalo makes this much more than a Productivity Exercise.

The key I want you to remember about Mahalo, is that it is a way of living your life. You live exceptionally appreciative (knowing), grateful (becoming), and thankful (sharing) all “the elements which make your life precious.” You relish them. You celebrate them joyously. You allow Mahalo to gives you an ‘attitude of gratitude,’ and the pleasure of awe and wonder.

If you ‘get it,’ and get this connection, and if you have done the Nightly 5 Minutes thus far with your gratitude journal, you are discovering that you are no longer thinking about what is missing from your life. Instead, you are concentrating on what you already have, and may have been taking for granted. You have discovered some gems worth polishing with more intentional focus. You are getting them to stick.

In fact, come to think of it, that is probably what influenced the Sunday Mālama I shared with you this past weekend: Please don’t shop for me! for I have been doing my Gratitude Journal right along with you; it has become very apparent to me that I have all I really need.

I want this for you, and it’s never too late to start.

---

My Sharing of Thankfulness: The How-To of Managing with Aloha Coaching.

• Knowing Mahalo through Appreciation
• Becoming Mahalo through Gratitude
• Sharing Mahalo through Thankfulness

When was the last time you said “thank you” and really meant it?

By “really mean it,” I mean that it completely acknowledged and appreciated the work that someone had done for you?

This is where we left off:

Next time we will talk about this part of Thankfulness within Mahalo; “Say “mahalo” or “thank you” often. Speak of your appreciation of others, and it will soften the tone of your voice, giving it both humility, and fullness. People need to hear words spoken from your aloha, and in speaking them you offer a generous gift.”

The Mahalo Motivator

I recently participated in a group discussion held at a conference by Gallup University, in which we were asked to compare our notes on different recognition programs. The exercise was part of answering a broader question on what kinds of things motivate people, so that they flick on that magic switch to self-motivation.

You have probably done something similar, for generally, employee-of-the-month type programs are dying a too-slow death, with most organizations finding they have little lasting effect on staff morale. In too many cases, the fairness trap of the selection process will hurt these programs, and they lose their credibility and worth.

What repeatedly came up in our group – and in every other group at the conference, as Gallup expected in making their point – was that the recognition people want most of all is having the person that matters just say “thank you” to them and mean it.

How Mahalo Matters

At work, that “person that matters” is usually the boss – the manager. However it can be others as well; the person that matters can be someone within your work team today, and another you know you have somehow affected in another department tomorrow.

MY MANA‘O (what I believe to be true) ~ ~ ~ We first want our work to be worthwhile – so our own spirit will say thank you. We then want our work to matter for others – and we know it when they say thank you.

People feel we mean it when they feel they have earned it. They did something good; something worth your noticing; something valuable to you. You didn’t say “mahalo” or “thank you” just to say it, or because they had a turn come up - they caused it to happen.

This is what that “generous gift” you can offer is all about; it is an acknowledgment that is not very complicated at all.

Give a gift: Who should you be saying thank you to today?

Sharing Mahalo through Thankfulness

The usual way I define Mahalo is “living your life in thankfulness.” Mahalo is a promise you can make to yourself, to Know, to Become, and to Share.

So far this month, we’ve spoken of the first two in this trio, and now, the third;

• Knowing Mahalo through Appreciation
• Becoming Mahalo through Gratitude
• Sharing Mahalo through Thankfulness

THANKFULNESS: ~~~Share. From Webster - Aware and appreciative of a benefit; and expressive of gratitude. Within Mahalo - Share of who you are with the utmost respect for those who complete your life. Say “mahalo” or “thank you” often. Speak of your appreciation of others, and it will soften the tone of your voice, giving it both humility, and fullness. People need to hear words spoken from your aloha, and in speaking them you offer a generous gift. Use your own gifts to reveal those which exist in others all around you.

Whoever wrote this definition of thankfulness for Webster nailed it. Read the words one more time, and let them sink in now that you have a Mahalo interpretation for appreciation (and knowing), and for gratitude (becoming);

Thankfulness is being “Aware and appreciative of a benefit; and expressive of gratitude.”

My add-on is that with Mahalo, we LIVE our lives in thankfulness, so it becomes a way of living for us that in turn, creates a very natural and authentic sharing with others. Sharing is easy when what you share, is you. And think back to that four-fold capacity we just spoke of; we can share eagerly and comfortably because we feel the abundance of unlimited capacity. Sharing never diminishes us. On the contrary, it fortifies and grows us; our sharing is the “spirit spilling” that creates the “unlimited” nature of our human capacity.

Now focus for a moment, on the word “benefit.”

My friend Ariane Benefit was blessed with a sensational surname, one which can inspire her to live up to it daily. And she does; in her ho‘ohana, her work of intention, Ariane guides people in clarifying priorities and making the difficult decisions needed to conquer clutter, change habits, and take charge of their lives. In fact, she has built a thriving business around how she practices Mahalo, living her thankfulness for her life by sharing her technique with others. She helps us keep our lives “neat and simple” so that we never clutter up the gems which are OUR personal benefits.

In your next Mahalo Action Step, think about the benefits that you have and can be sharing. What are they? Bring them front and center so you are aware and appreciative of them.

Do you live your life in a way that your benefits are celebrated and shared? What is just one thing you could do tomorrow?

One of the benefits I have, one I give thanks for daily, is my health. I celebrate it in a daily walking regimen that gets me outside, where I can drink in the beauty, vibrancy, and grounding of my sense of place. What will I do tomorrow? Walk with renewed commitment, pick up my pace, and count my blessings yet again that I can.

[Update: What will I do tomorrow? Share it by writing about it! Learn 5 New Things About Walking.]

Next time we will talk about this part of Thankfulness within Mahalo; “Say “mahalo” or “thank you” often. Speak of your appreciation of others, and it will soften the tone of your voice, giving it both humility, and fullness. People need to hear words spoken from your aloha, and in speaking them you offer a generous gift.”