The Not-So-Secret Ambition of Being Indispensable, and 5 Trade-Ups

“Pick me.
Choose me.
Love me.”
—Meredith Grey to Derek Shepherd in Grey’s Anatomy

We all have a basic human desire: We want to be needed.

To be needed by other people is to feel important, to feel that our presence counts and is meaningful to others. Life was not meant to be a solo proposition; we are social animals who thrive when we are with more of our own, functioning well within their company, and being truly useful to them. We want to add value, and represent an essentialness.

Sounds good so far. You could even say it sounds like a very worthy goal.

King and sole protector
of his kingdom
[Photo credit: “Subu, the lion at Colchester Zoo” by sffubs found on Flickr]

At work however, we have another word for this that has some negative connotations to it: Indispensability.

There’s a commonly held belief that no one should be indispensable in any workplace, for if that is so, it’s a sign that the business itself isn’t self-sustaining: It is dependent, and subject to weakness. We think of it as a kind of symbiotic relationship: For there to be indispensability of some kind, there must be some connected dependability to make it so, and that can’t be good, right?

Something else will often happen as well; the person who is indispensable is often seen as out of balance, a workaholic who has no life. If it hadn’t been true before, after a prolonged period it becomes a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy; they have no life outside of work because they haven’t taken the time to create one!

Ha‘aha‘a, the value of humility can really help us with the sorting out of this unsettling state of affairs, for we tell ourselves a couple of things:

1. Be more Generous:
Make room for others to share in the credits of achieved successes. Be the champion of your team.

2. Delegate Better:
In the process, give others the opportunity to grow, and assume more responsibility. Step into the role of coach, and not star player.

3. Convert Busyness to Accomplishment:
Get things done, and then move on. Don’t dwell within what is over and done with; resist any urge to rest on your laurels.

4. Embrace Change:
Then model it; “be that change you wish to see in the world.” Be a trend-setter with a shining new example.

5. Learn to Lead:
Learn to inspire, shape and better develop ideas, and possibly create a new vision.

These are just five different ways we are trading up from ambition, that not-so-secret goal that we will speak of, instead of saying the more accurate words it is considered a no-no (and sign of weakness) to say out loud, “I’d like to be indispensable so that I can feel needed.”

Wanting to feel needed is very natural, very human. Look at that list of 5 trade-ups one more time: What Ha‘aha‘a does is help us be needed in more grown up ways, ways which are more acceptable in a workplace culture, but also better for our own individual growth. In “making room” for others to shine and be needed, we make room for ourselves to tackle other things: new learning, new relationships, new accomplishments. We create a positive expectancy of new possibilities.

We can sum it up with this sentence pairing we’d shared at the beginning of the month:

Ha‘aha‘a teaches us to groom our own character with humility in respect for others.
There is nothing noble in being superior to someone else; true nobility is in being superior to your previous self.

Have you ever found yourself in that sticky trap of indispensability? Many of us have! How did you get out of it, or convert your m.o.? What was your breakthrough in trading up, or did you decide to just walk away? How can we learn from your story?

From the archives:

• Palena ‘ole: Discover your 4-Fold Capacity
• Balance? What balance? (On the value of Pono)
• Do you have a Stop Doing List? (on the value of Pono)
• Are you a high maintenance manager? (On the value of Ho‘ohanohano)

Comments

[Brad Shorr]

Rosa, I had the privilege of working for a man who embodies the humility you've been talking about, and acted out his humility in the five ways you bring up here. You know what? He was the most indispensable person around. Even though you could replace his skill sets, his expertise, and even his experience, you could never replace his spirit. The place would never be the same without him, and everyone knew it. It's hard for me to describe, but the point is, perhaps the day we give up on being indespensable is the day we start to really contribute. Am I making any sense?

[Rosa Say]

Brad, you are making perfect sense! Isn't it fabulous how that works?

Being indispensable has negative connotations to it when we fall short of this trade-up, but when we achieve it, it's akin to "rising like cream to the top" and we find it was a worthy goal all along!

[Stephanie]

This resonates with me in a way that I can't even begin to express in words.

My boss has a list of words to live by for the team. We review this list quarterly. One of the items on the list reads: "Don't be a SPOF." In other words, don't be the only person that knows how to do something (don't be the single point of failure).

There are definitely ways to hedge against delivery gaps. However, I definitely agree with Brad. A while back I came up with the idea that people are exchangeable but not replaceable. You can exchange the person responsible for the skills but you cannot replace the person.

What if employees are loyal to an individual who works for the company rather than the company itself? If that person leaves the company, isn't it likely that the others would follow?

Excellent post Rosa! Thank you.

[Karen Swim]

I remember that Grey's Anatomy episode and the writing was top notch (as always). I always operated on the principle of knowing that I was replaceable. I focused on sharing my knowledge with others, training my team members to be smarter and faster than I ever could be and leaving a positive impact in all my interactions. There is a danger in falling into the trap of believing you have arrived and are "indispensable." I always believed that I was always learning, growing and changing. I love your perspective on this Rosa. Another great lesson in leadership and life.

[Rosa Say]

I love the mantra you’ve written for yourself Stephanie; love it on two counts. First because it recognizes the worthiness waiting to be tapped into within everyone: I strongly believe that everyone has something to contribute, and they want to give it. Often, they are just waiting and watching for the right opportunity. “Exchanging” them with new context shifts is a great strategy, one of positive expectancy. As you wisely point out, they need to be optimized, and not necessarily replaced.

Second, I’m a strong proponent of what I call the “language of intention”—if you check the far right column you’ll find it has an index of its own here. Language is powerful, and I think your boss is doing a smart thing with that list you refer to, wherein he keeps the team focused on concepts that are chosen as the building blocks of the organizational culture.

Good point too about how attached we can get to people. There are often a number of factors that can influence the decisions people make to stay with a company or leave it, and I do think that when sustenance and security concerns become met our relationships become the next target in our line of sight. In reporting on their studies on workplace behaviors, the Gallup Organization repeatedly stresses that employees don’t leave/join companies; they leave/join other people.

[Rosa Say]

In the short time we have come to know each other Karen, I will still say your comment doesn't surprise me at all. It takes a confident and self-assured person to recognize the value of surrounding themselves with people who are smarter than they are and from whom they can learn, people with equal or more potential, or who in turn will somehow lift them up and challenge them. You very much strike me as one of those savvy spark plugs Karen!

Personally I am not a fan of the word "replaceable." I prefer the concept of "trading up," and I like the way you have qualified it Karen: "always learning, growing and changing." It is indeed about leadership— self-leadership.