Listening Alone Does Not Equate to the Humility of Ha‘aha‘a

My coaching business generally falls into two distinct areas; consultation (teaching and training in MWA and its business/culture modeling) and coaching (mentoring in response to the specific challenges that managers are having, and coaching them through it).

The most frequent subjects which come up in the second arena, the responsiveness coaching I do, can be summed up as helping managers to work with people they don’t understand, whether that person is an employee, a peer or boss, a vendor or customer. Managers will usually start our conversation with something like, “How do I deal with someone who…” because they feel they have tried everything they can think of, and are still feeling thwarted and are frustrated: They are searching for an answer which eludes them, and not because they aren’t trying hard as they can.

As I listen to the situation they describe to me I am listening for clues that tell me

a) what value drivers the employee brings to the situation or to their day-to-day working relationship

b) what value drivers the manager deems most important, (and prefers to have in their day-to-day working relationship) and then

c) where the disconnect is between those two things, (and between them as proud individuals) so we can reconcile it.

Communication breakdowns often loom large as the probable causes in these disconnects. A sentence I will often hear at some point is “I know they hear me and understand me, but they don’t listen to me.”

We managers revere listening: It has repeatedly been drummed in our heads that listening is the grown-up sage to the stubborn youngster called hearing. However there are good listeners and not-so-good listeners, and how we normally define that difference is this way: To a manager’s way of thinking, A good listener takes the desired action we want. A not-so-good listener doesn’t.

What we define as “good listening” is very relevant to what we personally want to happen, and someone else needs to be the one doing it.

Now here’s something important to understand: We aren’t looking for listening alone. We actually get the listening in both those situations, and something else is missing. What we are hoping for and not getting, is Ha‘aha‘a, the value of humility. It’s the whipped cream and cherry on top.

Consider some of these things we have already said this month about humility:

“Humility is exhibiting strength and confidence in the process of adding value to others.” —Tim Milburn

“When I aspire to be humble, I realize I have a lot to learn.”—Stephanie

“Humility is what makes us grow and helps us truly help others.”—Brad Shorr

“Humility is the ability to submit to daily growth and learning and maintaining a healthy sense of humor about it all.” —Karen Swim

There are such gems in the sharing of our Ho‘ohana Community here, aren’t there?

Listening is just the beginning. What humility adds to the process is the acceptance of what we have heard, and the willingness to use our new learning about it.

Once I am able to coach a manager toward asking for those two things (because they cannot force them), and doing that asking when they themselves are aspiring to be humble, accepting of another’s challenges, and willing to work with them in meeting those challenges, those once-difficult, once-frustrating situations become golden opportunities.

Weekend Learning Project

I know that many of you who are managers catch up with me over the weekend when you raise your heads up from the day-to-day. Here is how we can use this coaching reflection:

1. Nānā i ke kumu (look for the source):
Revisit and reconsider any situation at work where you have been frustrated because you felt that listening was present but it fell short somehow.

2. ‘Ike loa (seek new learning):
Think about how you might need to coach another (or self-coach) in a) open-minded acceptance and b) the willingness to take new and different action.

3. Ho‘ohiki (make a promise to yourself):
Resolve and commit to solving your listening or communication by integrating specific actions into the coming week’s Strong Week Plan, i.e. make this process part of your Weekly Review.

4. Ha‘aha‘a (be humble):
Use humility as your value-driver through-out this process.

5. Kākou (be “we-minded”):
When another person is involved, be willing to ask, not just tell with new directions! Enroll them in your goal to improve honestly. Do not inadvertently try to manipulate them by doing this alone: Openly ask them to learn with you.

Let us know how this works for you! For remember, we Ho‘ohana together!
~ Rosa

Yummy photo of “Cookies and cream with a cherry on top” by fd on Flickr.

Comments

[Karen Swim]

Rosa, what wisdom about listening and hearing. I read this and thought of times that I heard but did not listen. I was most successful when I listened not for my own agenda but to discover the other person's needs, wants and desires. People really do tell us what they need if we listen and not just hear. Thank you Rosa for lighting the path to evolved communication.

[Stephanie]

Hi Rosa,

I think it's lovely that you included us in your post. Thank you. I also enjoyed your thoughts on being "we-minded"... participating in the growth of others can be so rewarding, in addition to effective!

[Rosa Say]

Mahalo Karen. I can see how that makes you successful; odd that we normally associate listening with receiving, but it actually is about giving all our attention to someone else, and giving it unconditionally.

Stephanie, you continue to help me so much, that including you is a natural!