Ho‘ohanohano: Learn to Bask in the Compliments You Get

This is some of the best advice I ever received:

Be humble but appreciative and thoughtful when you get compliments. Then write them down as soon as you can; keep track of them for the clues you may need to read and reflect on later. There may be no greater gift we receive than a compliment telling us exactly who we are, and don’t yet see for ourselves.

I got this advice from a mentor I admired greatly; he was gently correcting me when he overheard me respond “Thank you very much, that is so kind of you, however I …” to a compliment someone else had just given me. I don’t remember the exact tail end of my sentence, but the point was that I was being dismissive in my response in the misunderstood name of humility, and not ‘humbly appreciative’ which would’ve been far, far better.

He taught me to say “Thank you so much!” and smile broadly whenever I received a compliment in the future, explaining that not only was it good for me, it was a far more respectful response to my compliment’s giver, for anytime I said “however…” or “yes, but…” was actually a thinly disguised way of telling my giver “You are wrong, and don’t really know what you are talking about.”

I have since retained this as one of my Ho‘ohanohano lessons connected to respect, but also to cultivating my own dignity, and I offer it to you now within our month’s lesson.

When someone gives you a compliment, say thank you sincerely, and chalk it up to memory to write down later, soon as you can. Think about it; don’t dismiss it by saying something that implies you don’t deserve the compliment, whether to them directly or as self-depreciating self-talk. Accept what that very generous person said to you as a clue that may reveal more about you than you may realize.

Ask yourself a few questions:

• Do I want this to happen again?
• Was this the pleasing result of one of my innate talents and strengths?
• Is this a clue to the service I am able to give to others, perhaps within the work I am destined to do?

Understand this: Your compliment giver appreciated your actions enough to tell you. Something profoundly good just happened.

The day will come when you intensely want to answer this question: What am I really good at and passionate about? Will you have kept a data bank of compliments which serve you as objective outside views which help you see your array of possible answers?

For example, fashion photographer Joshua Jordan grew up in New Orleans admiring magazine pictures of gorgeous clothes, but he didn’t think about channeling that passion into a career until a friend made a suggestion: “He said, ‘You dress really well. You should move to New York.’” After a brief stint as a stylist’s assistant, Jordan discovered that his real talent was behind the lens; he became a full-time photographer in 1992. [I learned of Jordan’s story reading about his bio connected to a 2007 fashion shoot he did of Lucy Liu for O Magazine.]

So much of coaching people is getting them to reveal their talents and strengths and then stay in the flow of them. This takes more time when that person is accustomed to belittling the things that they do, unaware of their importance to them. Being humble need not, and should not, translate to self-depreciation.

It may seem like a little thing, however learning to bask in the compliments you receive is wonderful clue collection to your predilections of all that is good and right with you (think about Pono, and the Why of Right), and it is Ho‘ohanohano in practice.

Hmm… something more to think about: In connection to our discussion on the community ecosystem earlier this week, is learning to GIVE Ho‘ohanohano-clue compliments to others in your community ecosystem part of the contribution that you can make? I would think so! Another possible archive connection might be to tooting sweetly at Joyful Jubilant Learning. Remember Aaron? ...I already knew that Aaron has a healthy, very admirable list of talents. For instance, he is an exceptional writer and a very charismatic speaker. He has a gift for creating very visual pictures for me with his words whether written or spoken... read his story at JJL.

We Ho‘ohana together,
~ Rosa

Value your month, Value your Life with Ho‘ohanohano, the universal value of dignity and respect. Your complimentary subscription to MWAC and our monthly study will help you discover your own core values, and cultivate the better habits which keep your actions true to them.

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From the Archives:

• When was the last time you said “thank you” and really meant it?

• Toot Sweetly: Create Your Distinction (at Joyful Jubilant Learning)

• Managers, where are you? Would you write for us? (at Talking Story with Say Leadership Coaching)

Comments

[Joanna Young]

This is great advice Rosa and one that I struggle with at times. But you're right, there is always a valuable lesson to be learned in the words that people choose to thank us or to compliment us, and we should listen carefully to them.

Joanna

[Rosa Say]

Thank you for the comment Joanna. It is advice that has helped me in a couple of ways connected to mahalo, the value of thankfulness as well; the afterwards reflection gets me to think much about what appreciation means to people, and to me, and especially, how I can get better in giving it, expressing it more often to others.