Ho‘ohanohano and the Law of Reciprocity

We just talked about Ho‘ohanohano and approachability, and Steve Sherlock cut to the chase for us in a comment he shared:

Approachability is important, almost more so than listening. If they won't come close enough to talk, we won't hear what they have to say.

I love how Steve wrote that we won't hear what they have to say, not that they won't hear what we have to say... so wise!

Well, approachability was indeed our warm up, and Steve intuitively nailed something instantly: Approachability just scratches the surface of what Ho‘ohanohano does for us.

Ultimately, the goal of creating a demeanor of distinction with Ho‘ohanohano is about becoming more attractive and magnetic, so people are drawn toward getting into a relationship of some kind with you, and will commit to keeping that relationship healthy and mutually rewarding.

They work with you because they want to, and not just because they have to; they sense your support and uplifting nature. They will actively seek you out because they enjoy the experience of being with you. They aren't sure exactly how you manage to do so for them, but they feel better about themselves when they are with you --- it's the respect and dignity creation of Ho‘ohanohano, and your deliberate focus on it so that respect and dignity are not just left to chance.

Ho‘ohanohano in your value system is vitally important if you have chosen the role of the manager, joining me on my reconstruction crusade, fully buying in to my assertion that the calling of great managers is about people-work and not process-work.

Ho‘ohanohano in your value system is vitally important individually, if your goal with learning Managing with Aloha is the self-improvement of self-management, and you have committed to living those Twelve Rules of Self-Management, personal value alignment, and developing your four-fold capacity (Palena ‘ole).

In both cases (and managers in the Managing with Aloha culture must do both) the goal is building better relationships: A great relationship is a solid foundation and it's a springboard to more possibility.

The Law of Reciprocity ensures that relationships are not just one way; they are mutually rewarding.

"The Law of Reciprocity must be respected to build a sustainable business of any kind. This law postulates that in almost every case people reciprocate, especially when it comes to energy or generosity."
---Tim Sanders

There are several well-known adages that people relate to the Law of Reciprocity;

"I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine."
"You reap what you sow." (also called the Law of the Harvest)
"You get what you are willing give." (and when you believe in people, what you are willing to expect of them)
...and perhaps the favorite of parents (and ministers) universally, the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

I like the Tim Sanders quote and share it because he says, "especially when it comes to energy." I think of this positive energy field as the radiance of Ho‘ohanohano.

The Law of Reciprocity is one of abundance; it is the immutable belief that there is more than enough to go around for everyone, and that you attract more good with the magnetism (another energy word!) that is created by giving more good.

It is not about sharing, for sharing implies that we should expect a rightful share but not too much more. In contrast, reciprocity implies that there is more than enough for both of us; and further, although I probably could get something on my own (for it IS abundant), it becomes more valuable to me when I get it within a relationship with you; you are value-add I prize. Life is not a solo proposition, ---and I'm glad!

The concept of reciprocity runs like a strong yet beautiful silken thread through just about any weaving of the Hawaiian values we can talk about. It is very foundational: In Hawai‘i, kūpuna (our elders) will talk about it most in connection with aloha, for aloha is also very foundational... understanding aloha first makes it so much easier to understand all the other values we share (and thus my book is called Managing with Aloha, though arguably one could correctly say I actually write and talk about Ho‘ohana much more). Aloha is also felt to have transformational power (that value-add which is created), thus the sayings;

Aloha mai no, aloha aku meaning, When love is given, love should be returned.

And,

Ua ola loko i ke aloha meaning, Love gives life within.

This is the way that Dr. George Kanahele explained reciprocity in his book Kū Kanaka, Stand Tall, A Search for Hawaiian Values, with the wonderful command he had of the metaphor:

"...two principles are at the heart of the Hawaiian values system: Reciprocity and the mastery of one's destiny [which I refer to in MWA as 'Imi ola, creating one's best possible life.]"

"Reciprocity may be compared with a gigantic spider web, whose threads represent the mutual obligations that each member of society bears toward others. As long as each person fulfills his or her responsibilities, the web holds together in beautiful symmetry; when individuals fail to live up to those responsibilities, the threads are broken, the web weakens and eventually falls apart."

"As with all Polynesian societies, traditional Hawaiian society was very much like this web because it operated on the principle of reciprocity. The moral explaining how a human society should function was declared in the way Hawaiians defined their symbiotic relationship with the gods: It was mutual giving and taking, with benefits accruing to both, allowing both to achieve their respective functions and aspirations."

"The give-and-take of reciprocity means that neither party in a relationship dominates the other, because both must enjoy self-determination [i.e. the mastery of one's destiny he refers to in the context of the passage]."

Ho‘ohanohano then, is the aspiration of dignity in self-mastery.

Ho‘ohanohano then, is the respect for the abundance chosen within the human element; within our relationships.

Your Ho‘ohanohano represents the choice you offer others, that a relationship with you, whether as a manager they depend on or another human being, will be thoroughly wonderful and uniquely distinctive.

What do you think? How do you feel about this connection between Ho‘ohanohano and your relationships with others? How can you further practice Ho‘ohanohano, learning to personally adapt and welcome the Law of Reciprocity?

Spider web found on Flickr by MR+G.

---

Thank you for reading today. If you would like to learn more about Ho‘ohanohano, read;

1. Ho‘ohanohano: No more jerks for managers
2. Ho‘ohanohano and our 5-Beat Rhythm: Getting Started
3. Ho‘ohanohano and Approachability: A Story.

Comments

[Steve Sherlock]

Plenty of food for thought here Rosa. I will ponder further about reciprocity. I think I have tended to use it and understand it as more of the equal give and take that you applied to 'sharing' and yet sharing for me was more 'giving' without the implied return. Time to turn to the dictionary for additional help on this.

In the mean time, I do like your Tim Sanders quote: "especially where the energy is involved". So true, so true!

In some meetings or relationships, you can feel the energy getting draw away by one's negativity. You can't stay long there, the black hole is deep and drawing.

Maybe that is why the Ho'ohana Community is so organically successful; there is plenty of positive energy here to be shared and drawn from to recharge us, reassure us to go return to each our own world ready to tilt at windmills!

Mahalo, Rosa, et al!

[Rosa Say]

You know Steve, I hadn’t even thought to look up reciprocity in the dictionary until reading your comment; it’s been a word that has long been so present for me. I like what www.dictionary.com says about something that is ‘reciprocal’ --- “given or felt by each toward the other; mutual: reciprocal respect…given, performed, felt, etc., in return: reciprocal aid…something that is reciprocal to something else; equivalent; counterpart; complement.”

These definitions take me back to the complementary part of the good experiences we have with each other, and they imply that the returning part is important too. We do make a big deal of returning in kind at the precise right time (pono) or with more kaona (additional meaning, a story now continued) here in Hawai‘i; for a giver to say something like, “you didn’t have to” is actually selfish, for you would deny the other the giving-in-return experience. To say “this really wasn’t necessary” may actually imply some dismay, akin to “oh no, now I am obligated to continue a relationship that I had second thoughts about.”

This is one of the very important teachings I share in my ‘acculturation’ classes for managers new to Hawai‘i wanting to be sure they are cautioned about our cultural no-no’s (and yeses!)