Despite working in a 24/7 industry full of drop-everything-for-the-customer surprises of every color and stripe, certain days fell into a very predictable rhythm when I worked in the hotel business. It happened because of what I came to think of as the unrelenting “march of the meetings.”
At a certain resort my Tuesday mornings between eight and eleven a.m. were absolutely grueling; that was when our Executive Committee meetings were held, and those of us who attended them felt we’d always be run through a gauntlet of unreasonable expectations by the tyrant who was our boss. I’d love to be more politically correct and say he was tough, had high expectations, challenged and pressed us for excellence, however that would be a pretty lie. Plainly and honestly said, he was a tyrant, as unpleasant as a stressed out power player can be.
If nothing else he stuck to schedule, and we’d emerge from the boardroom where our meetings were held at 11:00am sharp. Heads down and shoulders slumped it was more like we cowered out and slunk away. Tuesdays were never good days.
After a few months of this I decided I was tired of having my spirit broken like that, and began to make a game of the self-talk that went on in my own head so that I could create some immunity to his words. Executives can come and go pretty quickly in the hotel business, and I figured I’d just ride it out until he was replaced or got tired of us and moved on.
I appeared to be politely listening, but the truth was I tuned out for most of the meeting other than when he decided it was my turn to get blasted. It looked like I was dutifully taking notes, but I was usually working on something else, taking refuge in my writing. When I left the boardroom at eleven I was emerging; my head was up, my shoulders were pulled back, and I actually started noticing the other people in the offices as I walked out. I would say hello to them, and didn’t rush out to gulp in some fresh air somewhere else; I’d talk story. My Tuesdays went from horrible to not too bad, and believe me, that was a major improvement.
Well, a strange thing started to happen: Tuesday afternoons became the busiest time in my week. At first I couldn’t figure it out, for nothing had really changed, or had it?
One Wednesday, immersed in the flow of the work we were doing, my admin assistant and I started talking about it while we brown-bagged it for lunch in my office, for the day before had felt like I had a parade of managers going in and out of my office non-stop. I asked her, “Have you noticed how Tuesdays are now? What gives? Is there something that has changed on the resort with the timing of things that I’m missing?”
Her response was, “It’s not anything on the resort that has changed; you have.”
“What? What do you mean I’ve changed?”
“Used to be that everyone steered clear of you and the other Execs on Tuesdays because we all knew what a rotten day it always turned out to be. That Executive Committee Meeting would put all of you in a really foul mood, still does for everyone but you. So we never came to you guys for anything on Tuesdays; if it wasn’t an emergency it was better to wait so we didn’t get our heads bitten off. But you aren’t like that anymore; you’ve become the approachable one. Everyone comes to you now figuring they don’t have to delay whatever comes up.”
Now my story might seem extreme, but since the time I’d had that conversation I have continually (and sadly) noticed how much this happens in our workplaces. There are times that managers are approachable and there are other times they aren’t, and everyone seems to know it and just resign themselves to living with it until the bad moods pass and the good ones come around again. Can you imagine what a huge drag this is on productivity, effectiveness, and just as important, with how it drains the energy from people’s spirit?
On the other hand, think of the demeanor we strive for with Ho‘ohanohano, “to conduct yourself with distinction, by honoring your own dignity and self-respect.” I could have thrown down the gauntlet too and engaged in battle with my boss, for I did do a good job and he’d keep me around; I didn’t feel that insecure or threatened. However to engage in battle with him wouldn’t have served any purpose other than prolonging the agony or making me angry, and seething anger puts up a huge wall in us. I preferred to preserve my sense of dignity and self-respect by choosing not to engage with him. Yes, that was sad too, but at the time it was a far better option.
However after that conversation, I could no longer not engage either. For just one grumpy boss to have such a widespread negative effect on our organization became intolerable to me.
When I thought of all those weeks before my decision that I was one of the “Tuesday Untouchables” (as I learned we were called) I was horrified to know we’d created such a depressed atmosphere. I was appalled to realize that people had felt they had to steer clear of me! And of us: I worked with a team of good people on that Executive Committee who did not deserve the reputation of grouchy unapproachability we were getting. That afternoon I went to see my boss, asking for a private meeting, and told him we needed to talk about it.
He shook his head in disappointment at me, and his response was gruff: He told me that I needed to “buck up” and not be such a softie about these things, and that the day would come I’d be thankful he’d toughened me up to take whatever came my way. However, I noticed that the next Tuesday he was a little less abrasive, and then a little less again the Tuesday after that. He never got to be pleasant, and he still would fly off the handle at times, but he was too much a task master to take on any blame for slowdowns in our productivity because of his approach. He was far too practical.
Ho‘ohanohano asks that we not be that calculating and manipulative, for that is not how dignity is created. There was much more ‘managing up’ to be done.
Learn to watch for how we create green lights of approachability, both yours and in the managers who are your peers. I was so grateful for my admin assistant's honesty with me, for it is difficult to see these things in ourselves. It is easy for others to read unapproachability in another person's self-absorption in all its varying degrees. Agree to coach each other so that you are approachable for every person who needs you —and understand that you can be perceived as unapproachable to customers, vendors and suppliers too.
What else can we do to be sure we are approachable?
Our value study for the month of March is Ho‘ohanohano: No more jerks for managers.
Flickr Photo Credits: Be cool by fotografisch.at and Angry little punk by Pfau.
Good points Rosa, you have written well yet again, including two enchanting and spot on photos to boot!
Approachability is important, almost more so than listening. If they won't come close enough to talk, we won't hear what they have to say. The subtle things in our body language speak volumes about our approach.
Posted by: Steve Sherlock | March 05, 2008 at 07:28 AM
Such a good point Steve! We all underestimate how important our approachability is, for it's like a start button that never gets pushed into "engage me."
Posted by: Rosa Say | March 05, 2008 at 05:50 PM