Are you a Conversation Killer without realizing you are? Three Tips to help.

Let’s further define this tool in our value of inclusiveness that we call “the Kākou Conversation.”

A Kākou Conversation is one in which all voices are encouraged and are heard, because our intention is to harness those collaborative energies which fuel the ‘power of we.’ We want to learn what we can accomplish collectively, because in these instances we truly believe that “none of us is as smart as all of us.”

There are times when all we want is the peaceful certainty of our own voices without any external clutter — sometimes, even well-meaning voices can be clutter. Kākou times are not those times. Kākou times are when you look around you, drinking in the incredible wealth of possibility other people represent, and you ask yourself, “Why go it alone on this when I don’t have to?”

Yet even with this intention, we can squelch conversation just because we have to learn a couple of key skills. Entire books have been written on the art and skill of conversation, however I have found these three tips, three things to remember, are the most important ones. Truly comprehend and internalize them, and the quality of your Kākou Conversations are sure to improve.

1. Respectful Listening. This is revered as the grand-daddy of all great conversation skills for good reason. Essentially, listening well serves you by quieting your self-talk so you can truly focus on what the other person is saying, and acknowledge it so they feel acknowledged (thus I preface listening with respect). Listening then allows you to process what has been said for your own open-minded learning; you train yourself to ask better questions, and allow others to take the lead in conversations.

2. Comfort with Silence. We managers have a really tough time with this one, and again, it can be one of those things where our good intentions back-fire. We feel responsible for being the “bigger person” to fill in any lulls which happen in conversations, and so we do, when we’d have been far better off to respect the “thinking silence” of the other person in the conversation, until they are ready to talk. We’ve blown it: Our talk has become the noise which interrupts their train of thought.

Now we’ve really complicated matters, for go back and read the acknowledgment part of Respectful Listening again: If the person speaking does not feel acknowledged for their contribution, they will continue trying to get their point across, waiting for their next opportunity to speak and be heard. What does that mean? They’ve checked out; now they’ve stopped listening.

“Silence is golden” is one of my Kākou mantras: I want to hear the gold.

3. Learner’s Humility. To keep going with the metaphor for a moment, if gold is someone else’s contribution struggling to be heard, silver is mined in the incomplete conversations that end too soon. Bronze is your own voice; a miner will not waste time panning for nuggets that are already safe in his pocket! However he reaches for a chisel if there is still mud caked around those nuggets; he wants to more clearly see what he has.

I still struggle with this one. I am still learning all three, but this one is a real challenge for someone who makes her living talking! The more other people give you kudos for being a thought leader or expert in something (in my case, Managing with Aloha and all it entails) the more you enter the danger zone of being a know-it-all who talks too much.

Age is helping me somewhat with this last one, for I am getting tired of hearing the broken record of my own beliefs with every duplicated speech I give and seminar I teach. I love them all, but it IS much more fun for me when you do the teaching!

I also like to remind myself that I am always with me and can talk later, my readily-accessible self-talk is quite abundant! But I may not always be here with you, so I have to grab this chance to mine your gold.

So what do you think? Will you share your golden nuggets with me? If you came up with tip number 4, what would it be?

Have I missed something equally important in defining what a Kākou Conversation includes for you?

[Prospector Photo Credit: www.flickr.com/photos/tooliver]

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Other writing this month on Kākou Conversation:

• Conversation is THE Tool for learning Kākou.

• Kākou Conversations are about what CAN be done.

• Kākou is the value of Communication: We all want to be In The Know.

Comments

[Joanna Young]

Hello Rosa

I don't quite have the strapline for tip 4, but it would be along the lines of genuine acknowledgement - playing back some of the specific words that someone has said to you, acknowledging their significance, signalling that they have resonated in some way with you.

When done skillfully this can make the other person feel highly valued, demonstrate you have been listening, and create a powerful connection between you.

It has to be done with the other skills (esp respect, humility) because you're (implicitly) saying 'this is what I hear you saying, this is what it sounds to me is important to you, I acknowledge and value the words that you are sharing with me'

Joanna

PS "Being interested not interesting" - the innkeeper's creed - would also come in handy here!

[Rosa Say]

Thank you for your thoughtful addition Joanna, we surely would enjoy all our conversations so much more if the picture you paint for us were to happen in each and every one of them!

However your coaching is splendid both ways: We can feel just as terrific when we are the ones to give this gift, and not just when receiving it.

[BC]

Hi Rosa,

I just happened onto your blog today and after doing some reading, I have a question. I work in the healthcare industry as an Information Technology Director. I often have to attend meetings with members of our management team as well as management for potential clients. I'm often sarcastically teased for talking way too much and stealing the show. Of course they are just ribbing me because most of the time I sit quietly listening.

I am an excellent listener and I can usually gleen what I need from a conversation without asking many (or any) questions. I have a degree in Physics and while in college I took very few notes. I always listened to the instructor and tried to grasp the concepts. I could then take those concepts and apply them to what I would read from the textbook. I read a lot, but never fiction - I only like reading if I can learn something from it.

I've been in the workforce for 18 years and since reaching a management level several years ago I have felt pressure from others to participate more in conversations. I feel that I participate when I need to participate. I ask questions when I have questions. I give my input and feedback when I think it is appropriate. Occasionally I'll fold under the pressure and interject something or ask a question just to satisfy others. I always feel stupid when I do so.

Anyway, as you can tell, I'm usually not short for words. I'm also not shy and I don't have problems speaking publicly. I spent a few years making a living as a technical trainer - I can talk in front of people and enjoy doing so WHEN and ONLY WHEN I know what I am talking about. I don't like to brainstorm or debate if I don't 100% fully understand the topic. Actually, I usually refuse to do so. I like to get my thoughts in order before I speak. It's a definite possibility that I don't want to sound like a moron (who does?), so I guard against it by only speaking when I know that I'm not going to sound like one.

Anyway, I'd love to hear back from you even if it's simply you pointing me in the direction of something pertinent to read.

Thanks for taking the time to "listen".

[BC]

I just realized that I never really asked a question in the last post. So, here it is...Should I worry about what others think? My approach has served me well to this point, but as I spend more time working with management and executive level folks, I'm afraid my style isn't as accepted as it was in a technical role.

[Rosa Say]

Aloha BC, thank you for reading MWAC and sharing your question with me. You are very articulate and definite; you know yourself well, and the first thought that popped into my head after reading what you shared with me, was, “this is an interesting person, and it would be pretty fascinating to know him or her better.” I suspect that this same wondering I have about you may be a kind of hunger that you are not fully satisfying for your peers. They know you are intuitive, sharp, quick and smart, and while you are learning and getting what YOU need from conversations, they aren’t getting THEIR needs met, suspecting you are holding things back.

You may also be robbing yourself of the synergy that could happen if something you offer begins to trigger new thoughts from them in turn. Your past career has taught you fabulous lessons in efficiency, however your new career is one where managers thrive on more abundance.

BC, it is also a big clue for me when you say you are in the healthcare industry, within which I have several clients – you are in a kinesthetic work environment where they feel their way through comprehension and retention (think diagnosis), much of which happens through dialogue. Your 18 years of experience is a treasure hunt of possibility for the other managers you now work with!

That said, I understand how it can be more comfortable for you to be less impulsive and on-the-spot in your conversations, and one technique that may help you is to well arm yourself with agendas before you walk into these meetings, asking the person running them if they feel others will look to you for specific input in light of the topics to be discussed.

Should you worry about what others think? Perhaps not worry, but probably yes to being more concerned with it. I do think the answer is usually yes when we decide to be in a management or leadership role, for unlike the technical role you have had before, managers primarily get their work done through other people, and much less via their own task lists. And what’s on their task lists have to do with people-connected relationships and domino effects. Therefore, there will often be much pragmatic truth in that adage that “their perception is my reality.”

When you are in management much more is expected in the team dynamic – both as a participant and as a facilitator and leader. And that’s a good thing, for as managers, if we are too indispensable as individualists, we are not training, coaching, and mentoring others enough in the skills and application of knowledge our employees (and peers) need to learn from us in optimizing their talents (i.e. their strengths and productivity.) Managers should do “with” others, and not “for” them, or “instead” of them. BC, I personally do not look at managers as technicians at all, however they are the ones who help technicians shine big time because of the other workplace variables they take ownership of. To explain a bit more fully, in this posting you’ll find a box which details the way I look at the Role of the Manager:
http://www.sayleadershipcoaching.com/mwacoaching/2007/10/the-environment.html

Thanks again for the question BC, and I do hope you will continue to visit and talk with us more.